Xenophobic Zach
August 9, 2014
I recently ordered a CD from an online store. I don’t want to give away the name of the store, so let’s just call them Cramazon. I was in the process of moving, and I’m not sure how, but somehow the package got lost in mail forwarding limbo.
The CD was supposed to arrive on July 23rd, but the shipping status just continued to say “in transit.” Today (August 9th) I finally decided to call Ama–er–Cramazon to see what the hold-up was.
I’m certainly not a xenophobe, but this conversation would have gone a lot more smoothly if the customer service agent had been a little more fluent in English. This is how it went:
Woman from third-world country: Hello, thank you for calling Cramazon customer service. May I have your first and last name?
Me: Zach [Last name].
Woman: Hello sir, how may I help you today?
Me: I ordered a CD on July 15 and it still hasn’t showed up.
Woman: Al-pock-a-leeps?
Me: Alpocalypse, yes.
Woman: It should have arrived on the 23rd of July.
Me: I can see that. It didn’t.
Woman: Bear with me here… [The phone went dead silent for about 5 minutes here. Luckily I was on the toilet and this gave me time to finish up.]
Woman: Hello?
Me: Hello.
Woman: I have reshipped your item with one-day shipping.
Me: Thanks, can I change the address to where it’s shipping?
Woman: Yes, what is it?
Me: 1234 Penisface Dr. [Not the actual address, sadly]
Woman: That’s 1234, uh, E-A…
Me: No, P as in papa, E as in echo, N as in November, I as in India, S as in Sierra, F as in foxtrot, A as in alpha, C as in Charlie, E as in echo, drive.
Woman: That’s C as in Charlie, E as in Echo…
Me: No, P as in papa or Paul, E as in Echo…
[She finally gets it right and asks for the city]
Me: That’s Flint. F-L-I-N-T. Michigan, [zip code].
Woman: So that’s 1234 Penisface Drive, Flint Flint, Michigan, [zip code].
Me: You said Flint twice. It’s just one Flint.
Woman: So that zip code was what?
Me: The zip code was fine, but the city isn’t Flint Flint. It’s just Flint.
Woman: Before Michigan?
Me: Yes, before Michigan.
Woman: What was the name on that?
Me: Zach [My last name].
Woman: OK, so that’s [reads everything correctly, finally]
Me: Yes.
So that was insane, but hopefully my CD will come in the mail. Now many of you might be wondering why someone who is such a huge Weird Al fan would just now be ordering the CD that came out in 2011. Bite me, that’s why. You and your questions. Shut your fat face.
