GOOOOOLD!!!
September 7, 2014
I just walked into the bedroom to put away some laundry while my girlfriend was sleeping, and the TV was on. There was an important looking man standing in front of the American flag while making announcements about the “Great Recession of 2008.” Sure the recession was bad, a lot of people lost their jobs, but to hear this guy talk about it, it sounded like people were trading their children for horse meat. I wondered what she was watching, because I was pretty sure when she went to bed, she was watching Blossom, Will and Grace, or some other awful sitcom.
Suddenly the man on TV announced that the only people who made money during the recession were those who had COMMEMORATIVE GOLD COINS stashed away in their homes. The audience applauded like he just achieved world peace.
The important-looking man kept talking about the awesome power of coins, and the audience cheered for him like he was Bruce Springsteen. Apparently while everyone else on the planet was turning tricks to keep a roof over their heads, the people who bought commemorative Huckleberry Hound coins were blowing their noses with prime rib.
Then the show cut to–I swear to god–NASCAR driver Richard Petty, who apparently is a financial expert. He announced in a heavy southern twang, “Y'know, n'matter whut happens, you’ll always be able t’ suhvive if'n ya’ll got a little gold in yer back pocket.” Then he stuffed his mouth with chaw and ate a live raccoon.
