The Case of the "Exphyxiated" Trucker
May 13, 2014
Several years ago, when I was on third shift security, I worked with a really dumb lady. Actually I worked with several dumb people at that job, but this one took the cake. One night when I was on patrol, I got dispatched to the visitor trailer where she was working, and she told me that a semi truck had been idling for a long time outside of the plant. She said, “Zach, go check out that truck, the driver might be exphyxiated!”
Instead of correcting her moronic pronunciation, I decided to correct her moronic logic. “If the truck is outdoors, he’s not going to be asphyxiated. You only die of carbon monoxide poisoning if the gas has nowhere to escape.”
She insisted that I was wrong, but I argued that if she was right, people were in danger simply by driving their cars. However, if you argue with an idiot, that makes you an idiot, and I didn’t want to risk that. I told her I wasn’t going to do it and I drove off, but the dispatcher pleaded with me to check it out anyway, just to shut her up.
So I drove over to where the truck was parked and guess what? There was nobody in it, at least as far as I could tell from standing on the ground and looking up at it. The driver was probably in the bathroom with a case of trucker diarrhea. I drove back to the visitor trailer to tell that imbecile not to worry, but she insisted that I climb up into the cab to take a better look because he might have slumped over to the side. I refused, told the console operator that I checked it out and the truck was empty, and moved on with my life.