Soft Hands, Hard Head
February 21, 2013
I’ve just recently started using moisturizing hand lotion. Now before you revoke my man license, let me assure you that I only use the lotion with the label that says, “MEN” in huge letters.
Sure, you may say that manly men like Chuck Norris, Bam Bam Bigelow, or Pat Sajak don’t use hand lotion, but let me tell you, friend, they don’t know what they’re missing! My hands are as soft as I assume a baby’s butt is (I’m not groping a baby, you sicko!).
Sure, it will suck having to start buying razor blades again instead of shaving by rubbing the backs of my knuckles against my face, but it’s well worth it to feel this silky smooth. Speaking of which, we’ll probably have to start scouring the pots and pans with steel wool pads now.
I’m sure you’re all wondering, what about the smell? Well, my hand lotion comes in a variety of manly scents. There’s pine, sawdust, whisky, new bulldozer, and doe urine. I just use plain, which actually smells like an old man, but at least it’s not an old lady, right fellas?
Don’t worry, dear readers, just because my hands have gone soft, doesn’t mean that the rest of me has. I haven’t started doing feminine things like reading Danielle Steel books or using shampoo just yet. All I’m saying is that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. For example, I’m about to go clean my ears with a “q-tip,” whatever that is.