Merry Presidents' Day!
February 16, 2013
Presidents’ Day is upon us. It’s that magical time of year when we don our Lincoln top hats and beards, go out into the cold and chop down a cherry tree to put up in our living rooms. We sit around the fire and drink Billy Beer and listen to Bill Clinton saxophone carols. Then we snuggle up in our beds and wait for Nixon to come down our chimney and raid our homes for documents regarding the 1972 Democratic campaign.
We fill our homes with decorations, like a light-up McKinley in the yard that people can shoot at, a giant inflatable Taft for the bathtub, and posters of Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, and Grover Cleveland again.
Besides the Lincoln beards and hats, we also wear other gay apparel. The Washington wooden teeth and the Teddy Roosevelt specs are a nice touch, but I prefer the John Adams wig, the Van Buren mask, the FDR wheelchair, and the buttons that say “I Like Ike! ” and “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too!”
We even decorate our cars. The life-like JFK that rides around in your back seat is a huge seller, although it’s not recommended that you drive near any book depositories. And the stuffed James Garfield with suction cups on his hands and feet that was huge in the 80s is making a comeback.
Even airlines are getting into the holiday spirit with George Bush Sr. barf bags on every flight, and a Lyndon Johnson impersonator who reenacts taking the oath right on the plane.
And the classic movies! Who could forget Miracle on Pennsylvania Avenue, It’s a Woodrowful Life, Baracks in Toyland, Christmas With the Polks, and many adaptations of Dickens’ novel, A Christmas Carter. And let’s not forget the new CGI family favorite, Chester A. Arthur Christmas.
So remember the words to that Presidents’ Day song, “Read my lips! Four score and seven years ago, I can not tell a lie: I am not a crook! I did not have sexual relations with that woman! Not because it is easy, but because it is hard! Ich bin ein Berliner! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! There’s an old saying in Tennessee… I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee… that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again. Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa!”