Superman Sucks
November 15, 2013
Superman can fly. He’s also bulletproof. He has heat vision, ice breath, and super hearing. He’s strong enough to lift an entire continent, and he can outrun a train. But guess what? None of this matters.
In the first Christopher Reeves Superman movie, Lex Luthor launched two missiles. One aimed at the San Andreas Fault and the other aimed at Hackensack, New Jersey. Then he exposed Superman to kryptonite. Somehow Superman got free, stopped the Hackensack missile, but was too late to stop the San Andreas missile, which caused massive earthquakes resulting in the death of Lois Lane.
Horribly tragic, right? WRONG! Superman decided to fly around the earth backwards a bunch of times, causing the planet to spin the other direction… and we all know that spinning the planet the other direction causes time to flow in reverse. So he goes back in time and saves Lois Lane from the earthquake and it’s a nice, happy ending.
So apparently, his regular superpowers don’t mean a damn thing. All he needs is his time travel power. He could sit at home and smoke pot until disaster strikes, then go fly around the world backwards and fix it. If he can alter the flow of time, why didn’t he just go back and stop Lex Luthor from launching the missiles in the first place? Or why didn’t he go even further back in time and kill Lex Luthor as a baby? Why didn’t he stop the Titanic from sinking, or save the passengers from the Hindenburg, or kill Hitler?
I’ll tell you why. Superman is an a-hole. He only cares about impressing Lois Lane. The only reason he fights crime is so he can pick up chicks. Think about it. He only fights crime in Metropolis, never in, say, Detroit. He could have prevented 9/11, but instead he was just showing off in Metropolis so Lois Lane would show him her boobs, which he could see anyway thanks to his x-ray vision. They ought to kick that guy out of the Justice League.