How to Take a Shower
August 20, 2011
Did you know that there are millions of people in this country, and roughly two thirds of them don’t know how to take a shower? You may think I’m just making up this statistic, and you’re right, but next time you go somewhere really crowded, such as a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, Walmart on Black Friday, or the unemployment office, take a sniff. I guarantee you’ll be gagging in agreement.
But not to worry! I have constructed a guide that I am posting free*** right here on the internet. Soon you’ll be showering like a professional shower taker in no time!
My shower is probably more complicated than most. My shower has one knob. Easy enough, right? WRONG! You’d think that it went from off to cold to warm to hot to scalding, but that is not the case! It goes from off to cold to cold to cold to off to scalding to hot to one millimeter of warm to cold to cold. Your shower may vary. Hopefully.
Once you get the temperature figured out, hop in. Not literally, you’ll break your neck or something and I don’t want to get sued. Step in gently, and let the warm water relax you. It is at this point that I’m hoping that I didn’t need to tell you to get naked.
Now as the warm water relaxes you, you’ll feel the need to urinate. Go ahead and do it, everybody does. Just make sure you’re not showering with your girlfriend. I never thought she’d forgive me for that. If you feel the need to go number two though, get out of the shower immediately. That is a pain to clean up.
I generally start by shampooing my head. I use a dot the size of a dime, while my fiancee uses six gallons. Granted I’m practically bald, and she’s got more hair on her head than Chewbacca has on his whole body, but still.
After you rinse your hair, you may need to use conditioner. Some men think that they’re “too cool” for conditioner, but these men seldom have beautiful women stroking their hair.
Next, bust out the loofah and the body wash. That’s right, I use a loofah. It’s pastel yellow. Sure, go ahead and laugh at me, but remember, at least half the time when I shower, I have a sexy naked woman in there with me, so think about that when you’re showering alone, a-hole.
I use Axe body wash, not because I want women clinging to me, because that would be weird and uncomfortable and a lot of people would be making jokes about me being so fat I have my own gravitational pull. No, I use it because it smells delicious. Go ahead and smell some and try not to eat it.
The problem with Axe is, it’s not antibacterial, so you’ll still be covered in creepy-crawly organisms after your shower. Sometimes I use Dial soap if I’m feeling extra disgusting, and I might even use it on my extra smelly parts. You know what I mean.
Next, rinse off. Do this by detaching your shower head and spraying your body. Hopefully you have a detachable shower head, or I may have just cost you several thousand dollars in plumbing repairs. Be sure to rinse under your gut and under your crotch. Those areas tend to collect a lot of soap, which may smell good at first, later smells like an itchy rash.
Towel dry. Put on clothes. Go about your day. Oh, and hopefully you didn’t take your laptop or smartphone into the shower to read this.
***Plus $1,000,000,000 internet tax