Time for Teletubbies!
June 25, 2002
Today I was flipping the channels looking for that soap opera full of busty women on Univision, when I came across this show, Teletubbies on PBS. Man, that show will make you bash in your own skull.
It started out with this pinwheel spinning around and this sun with a baby’s face in it. Then there was this farting sound and this thing that looked like a periscope popped out of the ground. A British woman said, “Time for Teletubbies!” about eight times, and then these multi colored monkeys with sex toys on their heads came out and lined up and announced their names. After that, they all raped each other. Well, it may have been a group hug, I wasn’t sure, I shut my eyes.
Then that farting periscope came out again and the British woman said, “Up and down. Up and down,” but she said it like five thousand times. The monkeys started giggling and screamed, “Again!” and the British woman said it another five thousand times. If I wasn’t paralyzed with insanity, I would’ve flipped the channel.
Then she said, “Going up…” and the green monkey and the yellow monkey went up to the top of the hill. Then she said, “Going down…” and then they walked down and giggled. This happened over and over again until I wanted to throw a ketchup bottle through the screen, as my grandpa often threatens.
All the monkeys started running around and they laid down on the ground and started shaking like they were having seizures. Then the red one’s stomach turned into a TV and this group of stupid little kids were on there just screaming for no reason! Unfortunately, nobody was there to beat them. All of the kids introduced themselves, and they all had awful names like Caleb. I think there may have been three Calebs. I’ve never met a Caleb in person, but on this show they had like eight of them. They’re hogging all the Calebs!
Anyway, they all darted behind a hill and shouted, “UP!” All of their heads came popping up like a Whack-A-Mole game, but unfortunately they were on TV so there was no way to hit them. Then they all screamed “DOWN!” and all of them ducked down (except for a couple of dumb kids who just stood there with shit-eating grins on their faces). They did that like thirty times and then they started climbing these hills. This one little boy couldn’t climb the hill so this one toothless kid grabbed his butt and pushed him. What kind of sick child porn is this?
After all the kids screamed goodbye, it went back to the monkeys. All the monkeys seemed disappointed that the headache was over, so they started crying, “Again, again!” And sure enough, they showed the whole freaking thing again! The entire segment! From start to finish!
They may have done it a third time, but fortunately I went into a stress-induced coma and when I woke up, Red Green was on. Yesssssss!