Sex, Lies, and Fries
May 25, 2015
When I was about seven years old, there was a new restaurant in town called Fries R Us. I wanted to go there more than anywhere else in the world. Disney World? Hawaii? No, screw that, let’s go to Fries R Us! My parents would never take me there, probably because it was a restaurant that served nothing but French fries.
Finally, after a lot of begging and whining, my parents gave in and we had “dinner” at Fries R Us. We ate our “meal” and then I went to the bathroom. Fries R Us was a fairly small establishment, and their restroom was designed for one person at a time. They didn’t have multiple stalls, just a toilet, urinal, and sink with a locking door. As I peed at the urinal, my naive, stupid kid brain decided it would be funny if when I walked in, someone was taking a dump on the toilet. I chuckled at that thought so much, I decided I had to tell my parents that’s what happened.
When I got back to my table, I told my family the story of the guy who was on the toilet while I peed at the urinal. I said he was really fat and reading a book, but he stopped reading when I went into the bathroom, and watched me pee. For the icing on the cake, I said, “he moved his book so I could see his thingy, and it was sticking straight up!” My parents didn’t think this was funny for some reason. In fact, my mom looked like she was going to be sick. Apparently they didn’t understand sophisticated humor. Keep in mind that I was seven years old. I had no idea what an erection was. I just thought a penis sticking straight up was hilarious.
The next day, my mom was telling my grandma what I told her at Fries R Us, and she was crying about it. I looked at her like she was nuts, and I said, “Oh mom, I was just making it all up!” I seriously had no idea why I got in trouble for what I thought was such a harmless joke.
As an added bonus, the Fries R Us building is still standing, and now it’s a sex shop.
