Great Moments in Obesity: Elvis Presley
May 10, 2015
Hello, I'm Funky Zach. As a fat man, I'm proud to announce the newest series on Funky Zach's Amazing Website: Great Moments in Obesity. We will examine a historical fatty and highlight the meals that made them great. I couldn't be more pleased by our first choice: Elvis Presley.
Everyone knows about Elvis' military career, but did you know he was also a musician? Some people call him the King of Western Bop. Most people call him the King of Rock 'n' Roll. Other, less accurate people call him the Archduke of Mariachi.
Early in his musical career, Elvis was shaking his hips and wiggling his sideburns at all of the ladies who looked his way. However, no amount of dancing and intercourse can burn off the calories that Elvis packed on. I'm sure everyone knows about the peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Elvis ate them like they were Pringles. In many Elvis recordings, his voice is difficult to understand. Many people accused him of mumbling, but he was really trying to sing while scraping peanut butter off of the roof of his mouth with his tongue.
As the years went on, Elvis' peanut butter and banana sandwiches were forgotten and he moved onto the Fool's Gold Loaf. This is a sandwich originated by a Denver restaurant known as the Colorado Mine Company. The sandwich consisted of a hollowed out loaf of bread stuffed with an entire jar of peanut butter, an entire jar of grape jelly, and a full pound of bacon. The sandwich was over 8,000 calories, and Elvis ate them like they were Pez.
Legend has it that one night Elvis and a couple of police officials from Memphis flew in Elvis' private jet to Denver, and they were met in the hangar by the proprietor of the Colorado Mine Company with 427 Fool's Gold Loaves and a glass of milk. The men devoured the sandwiches and flew back to Memphis without even leaving the airport. Of course the police officials died before landing in Memphis, but that's another story.
Soon, however, the Fool's Gold Loaf wasn't enough for Elvis, and he moved on to bigger and better things. By this point in his career, Elvis was being lifted by a crane onto the stage for his performances and a record of his songs played while he struggled to breathe.
Shortly after his death in 1977, a page from Elvis' diary was found. He wrote about the legendary sandwich that may have possibly ended his life. And just in case any of you want to try it, here's the recipe:
One loaf of bread, hollowed out.
One entire jar of creamy peanut butter.
One entire jar of strawberry jelly.
One pound of bacon.
Six peeled bananas.
One can of sardines.
One brick of cocaine.
One entire jar of crunchy peanut butter.
2 tablespoons of hollandaise sauce
One smaller loaf of bread, also hollowed out and stuffed with smaller versions of the previous ingredients.
This sandwich is known as the King's Loaf. Eat it every year on his birthday, or any time you wish to commit suicide.