8 Christmas Songs That Should Be Erased From Existence
December 24, 2015
Baby It’s Cold Outside
Sure, you could get away with making a song like this in 1944, but this is the 21st century! So why does every radio station, department store, and TV commercial feel the need to play it? This song has more date rape than Date Rape by Sublime. There’s literally a line in the song where the girl says “What’s in this drink?”
Here’s a tip. Before you play a song for the general population, picture it being sung by Bill Cosby. If it doesn’t give you the terror shits, it’s probably safe.
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Reasonable alternative: The Night Santa Went Crazy by “Weird Al” Yankovic
Santa Baby
This song may seem cute at its surface, with a woman sitting on Santa’s lap, making requests for all of the expensive things she wants for Christmas. However, with her flirty tone, and veiled innuendos, you realize that in return, she’s offering Santa a little... north pole action.
You can’t tell me this song isn’t about a woman trying to seduce Santa Claus. “Hurry down the chimney tonight”? We all get it, lady, the chimney is your vagina. And what do you call it when someone exchanges sex for expensive gifts? Prostitution. That’s right. It’s a song about prostitution. You know, for kids!
Reasonable Alternative: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevey
Where Are You Christmas by Faith Hill or a little girl
Faith Hill recorded this song for the soundtrack to the 2000 movie The Grinch. If you’ve never seen this piece of shit, consider yourself lucky. I don’t want to exaggerate or anything, but this movie is worse than the holocaust.
The song is no different. In the movie, it’s sung by the character Cindy Lou Who (who was no more than two, except she was like fourteen in this movie). The lyrics are complete trash. It sounds like it was made up on the spot. Like they had the whole movie written, were on set filming, and they realized they never wrote the song, so they made the little girl improvise.
Where are you Christmas?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can’t I hear music play?
My world is changing
I’m rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
It wouldn’t take a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters very long to come up with this. I could drop a bag of potatoes on my keyboard and write a better Christmas song in five seconds.
But I’ve got stuff to do.
Reasonable alternative: You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch by Thurl Ravenscroft
Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys
Some people like The Beach Boys. I realize everyone has a right to their own opinion, but these people are wrong. The Beach Boys suck, and so does their overplayed Christmas song Little Saint Nick.
The song is about... Hell, I don’t know. A sleigh? Santa? A car? Who knows. They even get bored singing it. There’s a guy in the chorus who just kinda slurs, “Christmas comes this time each year.”
Yyyyup... That’s how time works.
Reasonable alternative: Dogs Barking Jingle Bells
Sleigh Ride
What is a picture print by Currier and Ives? And what the hell is a chestnut, and why does it pop? Get with the times!
Reasonable alternative: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy
The Christmas Song
This is the one that starts out with “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.” Chestnuts again? Nobody knows what a chestnut is! This song is just called “The Christmas Song,” because apparently when it was written, they thought that it would make all other Christmas songs obsolete. However, it was written so long ago, that the human life expectancy was so low, it would be impossible for anyone to make it to ninety-three years old. Therefore, ol’ Nat King Cole doesn’t wish anyone older than ninety-two a Merry Christmas.
Reasonable alternative: Cherry Pie by Warrant
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let It Snow
NO! Snow is horrible.
Reasonable alternative: The sounds of a person having wet diarrhea
The Christmas Shoes by NewSong
This is a song about a kid who wants to buy some shoes for his mom, because she’s dying or something, and... hang on, I’ve got something in my eye.
Dammit. I hate this song.
Reasonable alternative: Christmas Macarena by Los Del Rio