Zach's Guide to Stress-Free Living
March 7, 2015
My mom has a little booklet about reducing stress that she bought from what could possibly be a gas station bathroom vending machine. The book has all kinds of tips like, “Plant a garden,” or “Pet a dog.” What a bunch of crap! Everyone says I’m a laid back guy, so I’ve decided to make my own list of ways to relax.
1) Eat some Dairy Queen. Have you ever heard of someone going on a killing spree while enjoying an Oreo Cheesecake Blizzard? I don’t think so. Dairy Queen rules.
2) Call in sick to work. You don’t need to go to work. Work is for chumps. Your job isn’t that important. What are you, an air traffic controller? I doubt it. Stay home and play video games, and maybe look at PornHub.
3) Go to a pet store and pretend you’re at the zoo. It’s almost the same thing, except you don’t have to pay for it. I went there the other day. Look at this picture! You’d think it was taken by a professional photographer guy at the San Diego zoo or something, but no, it was taken by me at PetCo, where the pets go.
4) Get some Taco Bell. You know Taco Bell is good. I don’t have to tell you that. If there’s not a Taco Bell nearby, get a Jet’s deep dish pizza and eat the whole thing. If there’s not a Jet’s or a Taco Bell nearby, you might want to consider moving.
5) Get a pedicure. I got one of those when I was with my ex wife, and it was wonderful. I sat in a massage chair while I soaked my feet in a mini foot jacuzzi. Then some sexy Asian lady came over, clipped my toenails, and gave me a foot massage. Then they sliced off all of the dead skin from my foot until there was a pile the size of a baby’s head. “THIS YOUR FOOT!” the Asian lady yelled at me, as if I didn’t know that my feet were more callus than man. After that, they painted my toenails (a very manly color, like the color of an engine block) and then gave me the very reasonable bill.
6) Think strong, confident thoughts, then go up to a pretty girl in a store or restaurant or something. Look her over real good, summon up all your courage, then go home and fantasize about her in the shower.
7) Eat an entire can of Easy Cheese. This only relieves stress temporarily, though, because as soon as you have to poop, you’ll be stressed again. Most of my stress relief techniques involve food. That’s why fat people are so jolly.
8) Sucker punch some kids. You know you have some irritating brats that live in your neighborhood. You’re picturing them right now, aren’t you? Wouldn’t you feel a lot better if you just punched them right in the gut a couple of times? Speaking of kids, don’t you hate the Disney Channel? All those hokey horseshit kids’ shows with those stupid fake-ass smiling kids? I’d like to wipe that smug grin right off of their stupid, ugly faces! OK, I’m getting stressed out, let’s move on to the next one!
9) Practice karate moves on some bikers at the local dive bar. Be sure to video tape it and send it to me, you know, for research and stuff.
10) Go on a killing spree. Or eat more food.