Zach's Guide to Other Cultures
February 24, 2015
Did you know that there are other people in this world besides me? I didn’t, but apparently, I was wrong! Today I’m going to look at some of these other mysterious cultures, and explain them to you to the best of my knowledge.
There are people who don’t speak English. Like not at all. Not even if you speak very loudly and slowly right in their face. They can’t read it either, no matter how big you spray paint the letters on their car. I thought everybody spoke English because I get my information from movies, where even in really far-out places like Mars or Japan they speak English. Pepé Le Pew speaks English, and he’s a European cartoon skunk! Are these people living under rocks or what?
Some people speak English, although you can’t understand what they’re saying. Oddly enough, these are called English people. England is a country in the United Kingdom along with Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Hogwarts. It seems like a great place to visit, but it would be impossible to live there. Not only do they drive on the wrong side of the road, they also add extra letters to words for no reason (they spell “color” as “coulourur”). Sometimes they make up fake names for other words. French fries are chips, and chips are crisps. Biscuits aren’t biscuits, they’re scones. If you ask for a biscuit, they give you a cookie. Does English Sesame Street have a character called Biscuit Monster? The world may never know.
Another place where they speak English most of the time is Canada, our neighbors to the north. I live in mid-Michigan, so the best way for me to get to Canada is by driving south. How much sense does that make? Canada has national health care, legal marijuana use, and the age of consent for alcohol and gambling is nineteen. And they call America the land of the free! They’ve done away with their pennies and someone once told me it’s legal for women to walk around topless there. Their most annoying citizens, Justin Bieber and Celine Dion have moved to the States. To me, Canada sounds like a wonderful utopia, except the weather’s not any nicer than it is here.
There are also people with odd religious beliefs. Did you know that there is such a thing as Mormons? I know! I thought they were only in cartoons, but they’re real! Most of them are super friendly, even after you tell them that you thought they only existed in cartoons and make fun of their magic underwear. Magic underwear you say? Yes, that’s right. What’s magical about it? I don’t know. It might be bulletproof, but this has never been tested, as nobody has ever been mad enough at a Mormon to fire a shot.
Speaking of odd religious beliefs, there are people who are called Amish. They live in barns in Pennsylvania and they decided that God wanted them to stop technologically advancing in 1822. They don’t have the internet, so I can say that their black hats look dumb, and they won’t even hunt me down and beat me up. They don’t have clocks, because any time you ask them what time it is, they say it’s time to work, even if you just got done working. Their main exports are furniture and beards.
Another different type of person is a woman. I would tell you more about them, but I don’t really know anything.
